no name

i’m turning a year older (oo na, cliche) next week. for those who don’t
know, i’m a huge fan of birthdays. even other people’s birthdays excite
me. problem is, i don’t have much to spend. actually, i have nothing to
spend. therefore my friends (borrowed from aidel), i have created a
shamelss wish list. shameless kasi alam ko wala naman ako’ng panlibre
tas manghihingi pa ‘ko di ba? hmm… this is a true test of friendship.
and since i only have few close friends, ma-pressure kayo. kidding!
this hasn’t been given too much thought kaya i included "surprise" and "good news" in the list.
i love you!

1. cheesecake. i’ve been dying to have a good heavenly slice for two weeks.
2. beer. tequila. margarita. ginjuice. i haven’t been drunk "drunk" for months. masyado nang malinis ang atay ko.
3. assignment… make me feel like i’m worth something.
4. judy blume "pre-teens" books. hi sarah!
5. chocolates.
6. super shameless request: flowers.
7. free ride to-and-fro elbi
8. time machine. wahahahaha. hayyyy. this is crazy.
9. karaoke. may bago akong ipapausong kanta my karaoke friends!
10. laptop. wish ko lang di na talaga ‘to suntok sa buwan. gusto kong magpractice magsulat-sulat.
11. money
    sa loob ng ampao. nagpa-reserve ako ng mga hard-to-find bargain books.
    i got sooo excited kaya naparami. gosh! ubusan ng datung.
12. hugs. such a sucker for hugs!
13. coffee frappe-venti.
14. water - for the plants. (sino kaya’ng makakagets nito?)
15. special guest (ghost) appearance.
16. special friends appearance. i’m missing a lot of people. i hope they "show up"
17. good news. kahit ano, regardless kung maliit o malaki.
18. surprise. awww…

whatever
happens, i will be happy on my special day (whapak! cliche!). at sa
taong di makakabasa nito: honey, it’s not just another reason to drink.

long weekends are supposed to be fun.but if you’re my kind, you’d end up staring at your pile of unread (unfinished) books, watching an angelina jolie soft-porn movie, raiding the fridge, hopelessly checking your message-less cellphone, sneaking in the bathroom for a smoke, dismissing your mom as she nags about your messy room, and eternally, eternally thinking about how to articulate your frustrations. i’m not okay. and if you’re mabait and patient enough to have read this, would you mind giving me a hug?

something makes my head hurt lately. a month ago, i thought i already learned how to deal with it. i was just "testing the waters". paksyet! don’t worry, i’m taking the blame. but because you are patient and sooo tolerant to have reached this paragraph, maybe you "care" enough. give me a hug.

last friday, someone invited me for lunch. i told that person i was busy. i had a shoot that day and our call time was at 12nn. sabi ko, if there’s a next time, we’d have lunch. my god. that person doesn’t eat lunch! ano’ng connect? i don’t know. but as what i remember, that animal wanted me gone 4 days before the invitation. fickle-mindedeast! i miss that person though. hope to see the animal again and get a hug as promised.

weird, but the only thing that’s keeping me sane these past few days is work. i am starting to love doing (pretending to do) something that people care about regardless if they criticize you or what. this is the only thing that makes me get out of bed. i’m learning everyday, and i meet people who check on me and my work kahit alam naman nating perfunctory checking lang yun.. reminds me, kaya nga pala gigeng-gige ako makahanap ng trabaho nung summer.hahay. hug? please?

Books say, entropy measures the energy lost from something. When something loses energy, it eventually fails to affect itself. In other words, things lose their "power" to make things happen. It’s simple: everything inevitably turns itself into disorder, demise. Everything is simple. Bodies rot. Computers crash. Memory is lost. People lose interest. Inevitably, is understandable but difficult to accept. Time factor I guess. Or maybe, too much imagination. Probably the human arrogance or belief that we can make the world turn with much effort. Disorder and demise are horses you see from clouds. I’m too young to explain such things.

On the other hand, we also know that energy is never destroyed. In fact, there is a need to increase entropy to create order. You let something die to make another thing work. Example, food chain. Corpses disintegrate to feed other organisms that make plants grow. You get tired from jogging uphill but you grow muscles.

There is hope. But it’s found elsewhere. Goddamit.

magtula ka kung gusto mo. kung yan ang sa palagay mong totoo sa sarili mo, kung totoo ngang alam mo ang mga sinasabi mo - hindi kita pinipigilan. hindi na kita pagsasalitaan.

ganito lang ako, ayaw masilip ang produkto ng pag-iisip mo. takot ako sa katotohanan mo. alam ko kasing wala ako run.

sorry.

what i realized just this moment is a matter of non-choice, a necessity that is. i cannot save anything anymore - not even the friendship that i used to believe in and hold on to. our desire tainted the good between us. The ‘us’ is transitory and we know from the very beginning that THIS is how the ‘us’ would become. I was just too stupid to forget this simple truth. I don’t have any reason then to be angry. everything that is happening to me is the painful consequence of the choices i made. i should not complain no matter how much THIS is killing me.

now, i’d like to think that though we had our time, that time was too short to create a difference. as i see it, we may not actually mean anything to each other. forgetting you then is the most practical and the only way i will start to live again - especially when i know that you haven’t been thinking of me. i need to forget you because there is no other choice.

i’m sorry for confusing you. i shouldn’t have come near you. i shouldn’t have taken advantage. i’m sorry for letting you make a big mistake. i am sorry for the fingers pointed at you. i pity you for your sufferings - for being impulsive, for lying just to get what you want, for your hypocrisy, for not being able to understand, for being misunderstood.

i hope you wouldn’t have to hide anything anymore. for the sake of wishing, i wish you truth.

i have one favor though. i don’t wish you to patronize me but please, if ever you mention me to anyone, please do not deny me of good words. be very careful in how you will speak of me.  do not call me names, and please tell the truth. you see, i have no one to defend me but you. you failed me once, do not do it again. you know how we were. if not, imagine. try to realize how i tried not talk about the things that happened between us; i never even talked to our friends about ‘us’ when we were still ‘together’. try to realize my hurt and insecurity from being denied acknowledgement even in front of our friends. try to realize the insult i had to take becuase you exclude me from your (yes, the two of you) issues. try to realize how i tried to supress feelings because you wanted everything ‘fixed’ for the two us. try to remember the days when you told me you wanted to protect me from other people’s judgment. no one is sure about the things you said to me. i do not have any proof to help me explain myself.

just to set things straight, i am not keeping my hands clean. i acknowledge my mistakes to the point of not being ashamed to confess. i just want my truth. and i want you to act upon that truth not because i want to protect myself from other people’s judgment but just for the sake of preserving whatever’s left of our concept of respect.

in return, i’ll keep mum about the things you wouldn’t want them to know.

i don’t know how to close this letter. should i ask you to remember me? impossible. should i wish you luck? i’d rather wish that for myself. should i want us to meet again? i might forget. should i promise something? i can’t. we’re so much alike in not being able to keep our words.

bagong buhay, bagong kuwento, bagong blogetteshing

http://istarirayski.multiply.com/journal

opisyal ko nang tinatapos ang sem na ‘to. siguro dapat sabihin ko "sa wakas" di ba? siyempre gusto ko nang makahinga nang maluwag. pero hindi - dumami lang ang natapos kong subjects, nahilo lang ako sa pagkakalasing, nagmura lang ako ng libong beses, naglakad lang nang malayo, nagbuga lang, nabuhay lang. walang nagbago. pero wala akong sinisisi.

eto na ang huli kong blog entry. alam ko kasing di ko maiiwasang mauwi sa paggawa ng mga panawagang wala namang silbi. kung di na talaga tayo magkikita, siguro kailangan ko na talagang tanggapin. marami nang nangyari - lahat yun nagkatugma-tugma sa paglayo mo. tama nga siguro kasi marami pa akong dapat i-prioritize. alam mo naman kung ano ang pinagdadaanan ko di ba? at ngayon, nauuwi na naman ako sa paggawa ng mga sulat para sa’yo. sayang sa abala.

maging masaya ka sana. magpakabait ka. pasensya ka na pala kung pilit kong ginugulo ang buhay mo. pasensya ka na kung medyo nag-eexist pa ‘ko. aminado ako, sana hindi na lang tayo nagkakilala. siguro hindi na tayo magkakasakitan nang ganito.

ang totoo ayokong matapos ang sem na ‘to. natatakot ako.

masakit pa rin, sobra. minsan naisip ko na sana kaya kong ipaliwanag sa lahat ng tao. sana kaya kong ipaliwanag sa’yo. pero hindi. wala ka namang magagawa.

kaya mas lalong masakit.

…mukha kang may tb

naman o! anong statement yun? parang ang saya na ng gabi ko at nasasabihan akong pumayat (kasi feeling ko tumataba na ‘ko) tas yun pala kasi mukha akong may tuberculosis. naalala ko tuloy…

may isa pang statement na ayoko (c/o housemate):

"sa charming naman na paraan…

ang pagkakakilala sa’yong di parating naliligo"

ang masakit? naligo kasi ako nung araw na yun na inakala ng madla na di pa ako naliligo. hay naku, parati ko na lang kailangan depensahan ang sarili ko lalo na pag nakapambahay lang akong babalandra sa raymundo gate. bakit ba unfair ang mundo?

mukha na ba talagang pabaya na ‘ko sa sarili ko? anu ba yan, losyang.

(ayan ha, kaya pag may nagsabi pang feel na feel kong maganda ako papasakan ko talaga ng glue sa bibig. peace! =P)

(as usual) pathetic, pero kahit paano kino-convince ko ang sarili ko na suswertehin ako next sem. medyo minamalas lang talaga ako ngayon. nagkaroon kami ng problema sa bahay, nagkaroon ako ng problemang emosyonal, bumalik lahat ng personal issues ko, tas bigla akong nawalan ng gana sa acads. naisip ko, baka makapulot ako ng 10k pang-reg. naisip ko, baka sumexy ako. pero naisip ko, baka magkapera nga ako. kung paano, di ko alam.

sa totoo lang, gusto ko talaga ng suwerte. yung tipong hindi mo naman hiningi at pinaghirapan pero binibigay sa’yo?

ang totoo, naiinggit ako sa maraming tao. naiinggit ako kasi matalino sila, kapakipakinabang, magaling mag-adjust, maraming talento, maganda, masaya, may pangarap, may focus sa buhay. masama ba yun?

hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin sa pinaka-effective na paraan kung gaano ako nalulungkot. hindi ko rin alam kung paano ko ipaliliwanag ang sarili ko sa lahat nang hindi ako nagmumukhang selfish. siguro hindi nga lang talaga ako grateful sa mga taong nandiyan para sa’kin. unfair lang talaga ako dahil yung nararamdaman ko lang ang iniisip ko.

alam ko naman talaga ang dapat kong gawin e. alam ko na rin kung ano ang dapat kong marealize. hindi ko lang talaga alam kung bakit hindi ko magawang tanggapin yun. hindi ko lang talaga alam kung paano magkibit-balikat. hindi ko lang talaga alam kung paano pigilan ang pag-iisip.

sana dumating na yung suwerte ko.

pahinging hope.

pahinging self-esteem.

***

sana masaya ka…

nagulat ako nang malaman kong ang akala pala ng marami e feel na feel kong maganda ako. napatawa talaga ako nang malakas. buti sana kung maganda ako di ba? nagpapasalamat na lang ako at hindi naman nila ako sinisiraan. yung tipong:"kapal ng mukha nun kala mo kung sino e ang dugyot naman." hehe. kung alam niyo lang kung gaano ako ka-insecure at kung gaano akong nadudugyutan sa sarili ko. kung usaping pisikal kasi, talo nga ako. mukha akong losyang at para bang di ko inaalagaan sarili ko. take note, ang lakas pa ng loob ko minsan na pumasok nang di pa naliligo o kaya nagshashampoo. at isa pa, hindi ako manlalait ng pangit maliban na lang kung masama talaga ang ugali niya - o naiinsecure ako. sana wala nang maintimidate kung muklha akong mapanlait. hay, kung alam niyo lang! pero wag kayong mag-alala, hindi na ‘ko magmamaganda.

***

walang kuwentang estudyante ako ngayong sem. kamuntikan na akong manganib sa isang subject. muntikan nang ma-excessive ang absences at napagsabihan na ng mga instructors. at parang bigla na lang akong nagmukhang tanggera sa mga housemates ko. pota, mag-aayos na talaga ako ng buhay. basta ba bigyan niyo muna ako ng pahinga kasi isang taon na akong rumaraket at nagmomoda at nagpapakawalwal nang walang pahinga. napapagod rin ako you know. pagod na rin sa issue sa buhay, bahay, puso,acads, pera at sandamukal na pressure sa lahat ng nag-aabang sa buhay ko. ayoko nang maging celebrity ok?

***

tinanong ko yung kaibigan ko kung naramdaman ba niya yung student council sa college namin. hindi raw. tsk!

***

finally,

hayup ka, wag na wag kang magpapakamusta at magtatanong kung kinakamusta kita kung wala kang balak kausapin ako. pero sana maisip mo rin naman akong tratuhin bilang tao. hindi ako matapang gaya ng inaakala mo. may utak ako na marunong ding magtanong at humingi ng eksplanasyon at eto moda: may damdamin din akong nasasaktan. ayoko nang mag-imagine ng kung ano nang ginagawa at iniisip mo. namimiss pa rin kita leche ka. at tignan mo, nag-iilusyon pa rin akong binabasa mo ‘to. at kung sakali man, sasabihin kong hindi pa ako satisfied sa ending ng kuwentong ito.

pero i still wish you well. sana lang hindi ko na pala nalaman yung ginagawa mo. pagnaiisip ko kasi napapaasa akong hayup ka. nababahala rin ako kung guilty ka o ano. gusto ko na ng tahimik na buhay. in other words, peace of mind. di dahil nagsiraan tayo at nagpupumilit tayong magkalimutan nang basta-basta, kung hindi dahil matino tayong nag-usap at nagkasundo.